The Institution of Marriage in Nigeria: The Best Pyramid Scheme ever invented
Her Tribe
It is the early 2000's and my family makes the pilgrimage from Lagos to the village. I know my parents do this because they are determined for their children to maintain their roots.
The entire family is reunited in the village and the sexes separate to talk. I cannot imagine what the men talk about because I was never allowed in those discussions.
The women- with babies on their backs and toddlers in tow- scurry to my mother’s room to unburden themselves.
I’m 6 and I am in my mother’s room surrounded by the women in my family, they halfheartedly try to shoo the little girls away from the room because they are about to reveal their pain to the tribe.
The little girls know that if they sit quietly in their mother’s laps, they would be allowed to stay and go through the passage of “becoming a woman”.
An aunty reveals that her husband has been caught cheating again and her tribe reminds her to focus on her children and let them be the source of her happiness.
Another aunty- this one married into the family- whispers of how during one of their fights, he hits her and leaves the house in anger. Her tribe asks her to take it easy with him- they tell her to curb her tongue.
Yet another aunty narrates how she is unable to convince her husband of the importance of family planning and they are becoming unable to care for their six (and counting) children that’s slowly filling up their 2- bedroom flat in Lagos.
Many more stories of pain are whispered in hushed tones and mothers squeeze their children in their arms as if to signal -I will draw my strength from you-my child.
This meeting happens every time we go to the village and I listen- not because I grasp the full meaning of these discussions, but because I am eager to be accepted into the tribe.
I am 23, and I still remember those hushed tones. — Oluwaremilekun
As unique as the above short story might sound, it is slightly jarring how representative it is of family gatherings during Nigerian holidays when we generally make the pilgrimage to our hometowns — even people whose families are from downtown Lagos and live in other parts of Lagos drive to Isale Eko or Epe to spend that time with their extended family. The story also highlights how much we value gatherings in Nigeria especially situations where we can congregate by gender to share our plights.
Growing up in Nigeria, it never really occurred to me how problematic our views on marriages were until I was a teenager and learned how to see beyond flowery words and pretentiousness used to mask unhealthy situations. I began understanding that -the Neighbor who I saw with a black eye in the morning on my way to fetch water didn’t have “apollo” like she told us, the man who often came home everyday well past midnight blaming it on work and went on a shouting spree when questioned by his understandably livid wife was up to no good, the neighbor’s wife who had a baby every summer but stopped looking happy when we congratulated her was actually suffering in silence, the woman who is visibly some months pregnant being married off to save face was being forced by society to quickly make that commitment, the classmate who suddenly dropped out in SS2 to get married to a visibly much older man and confirmed by posting on Facebook about being happily married wasn’t acting off her own free will but based on her parent’s expectations of her at that age. It would be nice to say that these scenarios highlighted are a thing of the past but as recent as last year, a family friend narrated her plight and it reminded me that nothing had changed. She is a student finishing up her Accounting degree and currently dating someone in her graduating class who understandably has the same financial limitations as she does. As a result, her mother is unaccepting of the relationship because her expectation is for the daughter to marry rich and as she so well put it “somebody who will be able to take care of her”. This story is not shared to chastise the mother but to share one of the many stories that has shaped and continues to shape our society’s problematic views of marriage. Truthfully, the mothers view is in the majority in Nigeria because if we were to conduct a random poll of everyday Nigerians going about their business — over 50% of those polled will most likely give answers similar to the mothers’. Some might even add that they made their decision to marry solely based on that criteria and boldly share that they have a happy marriage as a result.
As our society continues to idealize marriage as some sort of reward to women for being a “good” girl and a rite of passage for the boy — I see this notion as our society’s way of continuing the systematic oppression of women. Some aunties encourage their nieces to get married because it will change their live for the better and I dare assume that they mean this socially and financially. It should be noted that every choice made in life can be the difference between a miserable life or a fulfilling one. So, a decision of who to marry should not be made simply with superficial factors in mind. As my finance professor put it “Marriage is a magnifying glass, if you were really sad before it, get ready for a world of hurt — but if you were happy before, then it could be a fantastic ride”. The reality is that marriage is not the solution to any problem. It may provide financial support or a change in social status immediately, but life can be miserable even with money.
Some think marriage is the ultimate goal for everyone and are often taken aback when people in my generation share that marriage is not something that interests them or something that will define their happiness in life. I find this view quite refreshing and points to the possibility of an independent-thinking person who is able to define their unique path in life somewhat free of pressures from society. In addition to this, women in Nigeria have been socialized to think that walking away from a relationship/ marriage that’s clearly a burden is somehow an indicator of a loss of self-worth and womanhood. Somehow a woman who decides to walk away from a physically/sexually/emotionally abusive marriage is at fault for not being able to properly “manage” her marriage as though somehow, it is within ones power to stop another human being from being abusive. Similarly, when a woman decides to leave an unfaithful man after years of failed second chances, she is deemed not woman enough to keep a man happy. A woman who stays in the marriage despite the beatings and/or infidelity is deemed “strong” which by the way is more of a back-handed compliment. I cringe a little when a Nigerian describes their mother as a strong woman not because I have doubts about her strength but because I imagine the many things the mother might have gone through for her to be termed strong in the Nigerian sense. The unfortunate reality is that as women we also fear what society would think if a marriage were to end and how society will deem us as a person with less worth going forward. What I find even more painful are women who have assumed the role of gate keepers for this culture of oppression -our sisters, aunts, mothers, grandmothers etc. Why else would a mother advise her daughter to find ways of dealing with her abusive husband and tell her “many women are looking for a husband, you better hold on to him and stop doing things he doesn’t like”? This tells me that Nigeria has been so successful at breaking women that they have managed to brain wash us into believing that we need to stay broken in order to exist. It is easier to tell a misogynistic Nigerian man to shut up and sit down, but it cuts deep when a woman who understands the way the Nigerian society is set up to repress women utters deeply misogynistic words. Ultimately, we will continue to be a nation of repressed women unless our gate keepers start fighting for us and stop idolizing marriage as the end all be all.
